Disclaimer: This is probably the funniest thing I’ve ever written. Srsly. Even if you’ve never read anything by Laurell K. Hamilton before, you’ll be doing yourself a disservice if you don’t read this. I know it’s long but please, bear with me here, it’s well worth it.
For those of you that have never read Laurell K. Hamilton’s Anita Blake series, allow me to enlighten you before I review her newest ‘novel’, Micah. The Anita Blake series is set in St. Louis in an alternate world universe where monsters not only exist, most have legal rights; werewolves are discriminated against, necromancers work for the FBI and vampires run everything from a circus to a strip club. The main character is Anita Blake, an animator who raises zombies for a living and works as a legal vampire executioner who hunts down vampires who break the law. Anita unfortunately gets into a whole mess where she’s mystically tied to the Jean Claude, the Master Vampire of St. Louis, and the series of books chronicles her life as she tries to solve supernatural cases for the local police and the FBI while managing to navigate the alien political worlds of all the monsters she deals with and trying to hold together the romantic relationships she seems to find herself winding up with.
Well, at least they were like that until Narcissus in Chains, which was only a so-so book that seemed to focus more on Anita having sex with random people than the actual plot. It wasn’t that odd really; the books usually contained a sexual element as well as some pretty well-written and arousing sex scenes. The problem, however, was that Mrs. Hamilton stated that her sales had gone up when she started adding more sex; by the time Cerulean Sins was release, the books focused almost completely on the ardeur, a mystical power/curse that had essentially turned Anita into a succubus and forced her to bang people at random. After the horrifically awful Incubus Dreams, which had no plot until it was 300+ pages in, most of the longtime fans bemoaned that the witty, hard-hitting fantasy series had become nothing more than a clichéd erotica novel stereotype with some of the most boring sex scenes ever written, despite the fact they contained everything from female ejaculation to were-bestiality. Thus, I was very nervous when I borrowed out Micah, her newest title, which was billed as a short story that would give details on the past of Anita’s newest lover in her ever-growing fuck buddy circle.
Well, it’s better than Incubus Dreams. Though not by much.
First, let me point you to the cover. I want to know a few things; if Micah has dark brown hair, why did they use a Fabio look-alike on the cover that was blonde? The top says “NEVER BEFORE PUBLISHED”; why couldn’t it stay that way? Lastly, why is the title of this book Micah? The book is supposed to be named after the focus of this story; the title should obviously be Micah’s Schlong.
Or Were-Wang. Yes, definitely Were-Wang.
Next, I’d like to address the size on the ‘novel’, a term that I’m being very generous with in describing this book. Discounting the preview for her next book, it’s only 245 pages. That doesn’t sound too bad, until you take in to account that the book is uses half-inch side margins and has an inch margin at the top and bottom, is double spaced and uses cheater pages to display the chapter number on, with a blank page before and after that one. Really, that’s the same shit I used to pull on twenty page high school reports. I’d be very appreciative if someone could give me a definitive page count, since this thing feels and looks like a Harlequin novel. Except that a HQ is $4.25 and this is $7.99.
Plot synopsis; Anita wakes up in bed after shagging Micah and Nathaniel all night long. Gets call from Larry, whose wife is in the hospital. Anita takes his place in a job to raise a zombie for the FBI that was a federal witness before it died. Has encounter with an FBI agent that has heard bad things about her. Here’s a snippet of dialog;
Agent Fox: Anita, r u a hore?
Anita: OMG, oh noes! wuh sed taht?
Agent Fox: kan’t sai. Iz it true?
Anita: lol tehyre teh jelose cuz tehy git no seXX0rz!
Okay, so maybe that’s not the exact dialog. But it’s close. Anyways, she goes to Philly to raise the zombie for the Feds, where she discovers Fox, who’s warmed up to her by now, knows about Micah and his DARK, TRAGIC PAST! *dum dum DUH!!!!!*
So they get a hotel room, talk and proceed to get it on. For 75 pages.
Now, something that people who’ve never read any of the Anita Blake books might not know…Micah is the leader, as well as a member, of the local Were-leopard Troop St. Louis branch. A psychotically evil villain once forced him to remain in leopard form much longer than he should have, and because of it, part of him never changed back; his eyes are like a cats eyes. However, deep in a vault belong the Vatican, I discovered a secret room that had a note from Laurell K. Hamilton that revealed that Micah was originally supposed to be a were-horse, and that it was going to be his penis that never changed back. Thus, he would always have a horse cock.
Hence my nickname of Were-Wang for him. No srsly. Like a literary Enzyte, it increases in thickness with every new book.
How big is Micah supposed to be? Well, Anita claims that he’s so thick that her index and thumb can’t touch when she puts her hand around him. Go ahead, make the motion with your hands and think about that for a second. After all, he is SO VERY (Mrs. Hamilton’s absolute favorite two words, right after ‘MONEY PLEASE’) large, while Anita is SO VERY tight, though admittedly she’s also SO VERY wet. Congrats. You’ve just experienced what sex with Micah is like! Feel dirty yet? Let me use a line from the book to give you a better impression of what these scenes are like:
*read in the voice of Anita*: “Micah was as thick as a well-padded 720 page hardcover (double spaced, with inch margins and a cheater page that simply announces the chapter number) to be released on June 27, 2006, and was as long as one of those celebrity novelty checks that they pay writers with at pre-release ceremonies that I, er, I mean, the writers, can never get cashed at the Giant Eagle.”
All right, maybe I embellish it a bit. But hey, let’s ignore the sex for a moment and concentrate on the revelation of Micah’s DARK, TRAGIC PAST! *dum dum DUH!!!!!*
Anita has been upset over almost everything up to this point, to a ridiculous extent; what the FBI thinks of her, how her makeup looks, that her relationship with the person she’s with is going too smoothly (I wish I had that last worry). Micah decides that the two of them should have a heart-to-heart and share their past a bit. So he tells her the story of how he became a were-leopard. *gasp*
Surprise! Turns out he was attacked by a were-leopard. Just the same as everyone else in the story who a were-critter, with the exception of Laurell K. Hamilton’s ex-husband...er, I mean, Richard! She realizes there’s more to this though, so Mary Sue, er, I mean, Anita, confronts him! Finally, Were-Wang, um, Micah, decides to tell her the whole story of his TRUE TARUMATICALLY PAST OH NOES!!!1!11~~~!1!!!
Now keep in mind, what I'm about to say is absolutely true. Alright, you ready for this?
Micah's traumatic past is that he has a string of ex-lovers who left him because his penis is simply TOO MASSIVE for them, as well as a group that loved him only for his TOO LARGE were-horsecock.
...exactly how the hell is Laurell K. Hamilton getting away with selling fan-fiction?
Cut to incredibly boring sex scene for almost forty pages. Follow that up with the actual ‘plot’ where you sprinkle in a zombie raising for the FBI that goes wrong and the last atrocity in this book; Anita is knocked out before the climax. Any nitwit, half-baked, dumb-fuck of an amateur author can tell you that the climax of the story should not be off camera. Good God, this was the ONLY climax that happened off camera!
Anyways, there’s a preview in that back for Danse Macabre, her next book in there series, that’s being released on June 27th, which makes me feel dirty, since that’s my birthday. I love the preview though; since all it’s about is Anita’s pregnancy scare and her friend Ronnie talking about how Anita is a whore even though Ronnie proudly proclaims she’s slept with a number of men in the triple digits, it’s going to be perfect parody material for my next review. With any luck, it’s have a scene where Anita wields a cross at a vampire wielding a coat hanger, and the sex scene with contain golden showers and an enema. Hell, my review will probably be the sublime ascension of all that is good and just in the world
Assuming I’m not crushed by the weight of were-dong in the meantime.